the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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