Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
