Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
