Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
