ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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