we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
