i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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