You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
