i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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