I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
