I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
