Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
