Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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