yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
