He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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