I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
