Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
