I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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