After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
