My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
