You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He kissed a someone with a penis
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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