Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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