in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
