i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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