the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
