if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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