census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
