i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
