Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
