I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
