He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
