I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
