i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
