I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
