yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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