There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
