Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just invented taco cereal.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
