I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm passing your future prison.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize