Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize