new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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