I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
