i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
