when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
