I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
