I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
