went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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