Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
