the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
