i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
