it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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