I wish I could punch you in the face.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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