My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize