I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
