my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
