xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
