Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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