my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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