dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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